Julianna May

I was supposed to get married today. Not in that cheesy, I’ve had my wedding planned out for ages but have never been engaged, sort of way. I was literally supposed to get married today.

He was perfect. Tall, dark, and handsome. He was one of the first people to look past my anxiety and depression and tell me that I was still amazing. He stayed on the phone and read me a story till I fell asleep when my depression was at an all time high. He surprised me on my birthday after flying over night across the country and hitching an hour and a half long cab ride. He looked at me as if I was the only girl in the world, even when I pointed out girls that were much skinnier and prettier than I.

But that was only the first year of our relationship.

He held onto his devilishly good looks, of course, and he knew it. But, after the first year, he communicated less and less. He told me I was beautiful less and less. He started looking at other women. He stopped going out of his way for me. When I would get anxious, or depressed, he would simply tell me to “change” my thinking. For him, it was so simple: just think about something else. He started partying. He stopped caring about my feelings.

Yet, I held on. I held on because of the guy I knew the first year of our relationship. I held on because I knew he could be caring and selfless, even if he had shown nothing but selfishness for a long time. I knew that he once thought I was beautiful, even when he told me that I would never be the most attractive girl to him anymore because there’s always someone better looking out there. I knew that we could have it good again, so I held on. I held on and planned for a wedding on this day.

When he postponed it the first time, I wanted to throw stuff. I wanted to curse in his face.  I wanted to slap his mother for putting these doubts into his head.

When he postponed the second time, I went along with it. “Okay,” I said, “At least people think we’re being sensible” even though it was the one thing I desperately wanted from him: to be by his side forever.

Even when he cheated with a girl he had known for three weeks, I still begged him to stay by me. Because I knew the real him; the year one him.

But all this time I had it wrong.

I was supposed to get married today. I thought he was perfect. But, year one him was not him. What I saw after that, that’s who he really is. He’s selfish, uncaring, and narcissistic. And even though I’m still hurting, and today will probably be the worst day of my life, I’m glad I’m not getting married today. Because I would have spent the rest of my life waiting for someone that didn’t exist to come back to me.